Todays thoughts

 My mind is always out to lunch. So this will look like a collage of thoughts.Like the remote I go from play to FF then RW. Mostly I'm on pause.I have been struggling with food & weight issues. I kept dropping 1/2 lb. a day. Nassau, vomiting,and lack of hunger.So now I'm calorie counting too. Wonderful Wayne went shopping and got all kinds of high calorie, healthy stuff for me to eat & drink. Ensure, carnation essentials,and chocolate.lol. I am now holding around 124,that's 26 lb lost since I started Tx. I feel like I must force myself to eat each day. I believe most of it is psychological. It's the meds messing with my head.Physically, still not up & moving much. Too weak.I did win my appeal last week with SSI. A big worry off my mind. I can now pay Wayne back what I've borrowed and contribute monthly around here. I have no intent to draw this any longer then I have to. I want to work again. I am just bored off my rocker with no routine, goal or purpose each day.I'm glad I had mental & emotional issues throughout my life. I understand now, how therapy has prepared me for this Tx. I would like to write a book if I ever get back(from lala land).There is so much that goes through your mind, crazy weird stuff. Nothing bad just "why did I think that?" stuff.Most you don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone at this time.I have become very distant. Another side effect. I have withdrawn.I want people around me but I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Talking & listening for more then 45 seconds is not a strong point right now. I'm just not me.I wonder if I'll ever be me again. I think, yes, just wiser <3

The Roller Coaster, no amusment ride

This week has been a roller coaster ride of Emotional ups & downs, and physical exhaustion.  Thoughts fly in & out of my head so quickly. One moment I'm in an intelligent conversation, suddenly  I'm completely brain dead and  apologizing.Reality seems to escape me.  I have found pages that I have typed over the past few months. They are in a file called 'ADHD'. Appropriately named. I find it hard to grasp, I wrote this stuff, REALLY ?  What else do I not remember ?These meds are F**king with my head big time. Like a remote,, PLAY, FF RW, STOP ! Repeat.  I feel fortunate that I DO understand what's going on. It doesn't make it easier.I am aware that my insanity is taking a toll on Wayne. I am sad  for those who may not realize how Tx has impacted their life. I am constantly reminding myself, 'this was to be expected, it's only temporary, and in the end I win.' For now, I will hold on to my marbles hour by hour, day by day. Peace