Monday, May 2, 2011

Shot #15 is near

I am going to type as many thoughts as I can and spend less time critiquing my words. I may not make sense, bare with me :l The awful truth…these days have been bad. I will not sugar coat it for you. The brain fog is unreal. Yesterday is a blur, this morning was a dream and "I said what five minutes ago ?' A thousand thoughts run through my head. I think I really want to express this, but can't. Before I know it, it's gone. If I try to express it, I scramble the words. Now misunderstood, I must explain my train of thought AND why I do this. It's best to shut up !
I hurt. EVERYWHERE !! The tiniest little thing becomes a major issue. I tore the skin under my nail and had to ice it !   I ache to the bone, literally. My limbs and organs all feel alien.  My skin crawls, my hair hurts and my teeth hurt again. Which means I'm now going to eat less and probably lose more weight. I am holding at 120 lbs. This is a 30 lb lose for me. I really can't afford much more. Migraines, how do people function in a normal life with these horrible things. I pray they end with treatment. I have been so blessed to have never experienced these until now. My eyes hurt so bad. They feel like golf balls ready to explode. A warm cloth with a hint of lavender and other herbs is my only  relief.
I'm trying to touch on so many things before I lose my way :) I could not do this without Wayne. I am 98% house bound. Between not having a car, living on the third floor and being ill, I don't get out.  I depend on him for food, medication, support, everything.  For those of you who have done or are doing this alone, God Bless you. I can barely feed myself most days.
I understand the best thing I could do for me right now, is to crawl into this hole and ride it out. I certainly am not going to quit at this point. I may be physically whipped but my desire to destroy this thing is stronger then ever. Besides, I know the Lord would not allow me to endure this unless there were some really good lesson here. I feel his presence and he gives me strength.
I've walked away twice from this. I must post.

1 comment:

  1. wanted you to know I was thinking about you.. Keep fighting. Give us an update when you can.