HELLO !

I am alive and well. Had a TIA( mini stroke) on Mothers Day. Treatment was stopped at 36 weeks. I felt so ill as I was withdrawing. Then the opportunity came for me to go to Joplin,Mo. no time to think, God lead me. I feel like I did one year ago!! No symptoms, no sides, no pain, no pity. I am here volunteering at a church. Helping others is the most beautiful way to overcome treatment. Very, Very busy. Post again soon:^)

Shot #15 is near

I am going to type as many thoughts as I can and spend less time critiquing my words. I may not make sense, bare with me :l The awful truth…these days have been bad. I will not sugar coat it for you. The brain fog is unreal. Yesterday is a blur, this morning was a dream and "I said what five minutes ago ?' A thousand thoughts run through my head. I think I really want to express this, but can't. Before I know it, it's gone. If I try to express it, I scramble the words. Now misunderstood, I must explain my train of thought AND why I do this. It's best to shut up !

I hurt. EVERYWHERE !! The tiniest little thing becomes a major issue. I tore the skin under my nail and had to ice it !   I ache to the bone, literally. My limbs and organs all feel alien.  My skin crawls, my hair hurts and my teeth hurt again. Which means I'm now going to eat less and probably lose more weight. I am holding at 120 lbs. This is a 30 lb lose for me. I really can't afford much more. Migraines, how do people function in a normal life with these horrible things. I pray they end with treatment. I have been so blessed to have never experienced these until now. My eyes hurt so bad. They feel like golf balls ready to explode. A warm cloth with a hint of lavender and other herbs is my only  relief.

I'm trying to touch on so many things before I lose my way :) I could not do this without Wayne. I am 98% house bound. Between not having a car, living on the third floor and being ill, I don't get out.  I depend on him for food, medication, support, everything.  For those of you who have done or are doing this alone, God Bless you. I can barely feed myself most days.

I understand the best thing I could do for me right now, is to crawl into this hole and ride it out. I certainly am not going to quit at this point. I may be physically whipped but my desire to destroy this thing is stronger then ever. Besides, I know the Lord would not allow me to endure this unless there were some really good lesson here. I feel his presence and he gives me strength.

I've walked away twice from this. I must post.

Todays thoughts

 My mind is always out to lunch. So this will look like a collage of thoughts.Like the remote I go from play to FF then RW. Mostly I'm on pause.I have been struggling with food & weight issues. I kept dropping 1/2 lb. a day. Nassau, vomiting,and lack of hunger.So now I'm calorie counting too. Wonderful Wayne went shopping and got all kinds of high calorie, healthy stuff for me to eat & drink. Ensure, carnation essentials,and chocolate.lol. I am now holding around 124,that's 26 lb lost since I started Tx. I feel like I must force myself to eat each day. I believe most of it is psychological. It's the meds messing with my head.Physically, still not up & moving much. Too weak.I did win my appeal last week with SSI. A big worry off my mind. I can now pay Wayne back what I've borrowed and contribute monthly around here. I have no intent to draw this any longer then I have to. I want to work again. I am just bored off my rocker with no routine, goal or purpose each day.I'm glad I had mental & emotional issues throughout my life. I understand now, how therapy has prepared me for this Tx. I would like to write a book if I ever get back(from lala land).There is so much that goes through your mind, crazy weird stuff. Nothing bad just "why did I think that?" stuff.Most you don't feel comfortable talking about to anyone at this time.I have become very distant. Another side effect. I have withdrawn.I want people around me but I don't want anyone to acknowledge me. Talking & listening for more then 45 seconds is not a strong point right now. I'm just not me.I wonder if I'll ever be me again. I think, yes, just wiser <3

The Roller Coaster, no amusment ride

This week has been a roller coaster ride of Emotional ups & downs, and physical exhaustion.  Thoughts fly in & out of my head so quickly. One moment I'm in an intelligent conversation, suddenly  I'm completely brain dead and  apologizing.Reality seems to escape me.  I have found pages that I have typed over the past few months. They are in a file called 'ADHD'. Appropriately named. I find it hard to grasp, I wrote this stuff, REALLY ?  What else do I not remember ?These meds are F**king with my head big time. Like a remote,, PLAY, FF RW, STOP ! Repeat.  I feel fortunate that I DO understand what's going on. It doesn't make it easier.I am aware that my insanity is taking a toll on Wayne. I am sad  for those who may not realize how Tx has impacted their life. I am constantly reminding myself, 'this was to be expected, it's only temporary, and in the end I win.' For now, I will hold on to my marbles hour by hour, day by day. Peace 

To My Dragon;

(I will) Never Surrender
I'll not let you beat me, there's nothing you can do.
No force could be imposed on me, that would see me succomb to you.
No obstacle you throw at me, will block my path for long.
I'll simply find another way, my desires are far to strong.
No winds could blow me hard enough, to drive me off my course.
Your's could never hope to match, that of my driving force.
Nor waves or raging torrents, you might muster, will ever sweep.
From this path I've chosen, or all it is I seek.
So to you, I welcome your challenges, each one you may throw.
They only serve to strenghten me and with everyone, I'll grow.
by W.A.Simmons

I am one strong woman, but when I can't get one 'feel good' day after weeks of sx's...I start to lose it. I cried last night, frustration won. I  feel bad again today.These are the times when you just want to quit. NOW, more than ever, this is when you kick yourself. Reach down deep and find the strength, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I am so close! With 20 weeks to go, HCV undetectable, and the encouraging stories of those who have been free from this dragon years later...this is what you fight for now!
WINNING :)

I have only 21 weeks to go !

I'm so sorry I have not returned til now. Treatment has been a ride.Everyday is a new adventure. I have 21 shots to go :) I was blessed to have read so much on here in advance.Without the knowledge I acquired here, I never would have made it this far.
About 16 weeks in, sx began to worsen. nausea, migraines, dehydration, my eyes hurt, my joints ache,shortness of breath has me house bound. I can't even stay on my feet for more than a few mins. I choose to deal with my aches & pains rather then add more pills to my regiment. I gave up  on whining, long ago. "Another side effect?" ,"there's a pill for that !"  I never want to hear that again !  :roll:
My Riba has been reduced twice. I now take 0nly 600mg. My #'s just keep dropping.
WBC    1.9  
RBC    3.01  
Hemoglobin    9.9  
 :pale: I have lost more than 25 lbs. (nearly 2 stones).Ensure is expensive, but becoming  my best friend. I eat healthy, so healthy I can't seem to get enough calories each day.Water, water, water !!! And yet he doctors are impressed with me. I've been told that I'm am handling this like a champ. Others in Tx have not fared as well.Especially, mentally & emotionally. I give much credit to my friends .I promise not to go so far, so long again.